Guilt

by Keren Kaissar

 

Guilt, Guilt, GUILT! It sure can keep me up at night. Oh, I have had many sleepless nights, tossing and turning in my bed, all because of this culprit that is called guilt. And tonight, on this rainy night while I am waiting for my take out food to arrive, I have decided it would be a perfect time to bring this issue up because guilt creeps up at me only too often.

 

There are so many different degrees of guilt and I can assure you that it comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes I lie awake at night feeling guilty for not having said what I had ached to say to someone that I care/d about. (My persistent guilt) “If I had only said…” or “I should have said…” and never mind the on going, imaginary conversations I so creatively conduct in my head. Believe me, I am a pro at it. I am so good at feeling guilty about keeping my silence when I should be doing otherwise that I can easily open up a course called “infinite ways of feeling guilty – let me show you the way”. Maybe I need to work on the title, but I think you get my drift.

 

Here is a partial list of my friend Guilt:

 

- Guilt for liking a guy who I KNOW is just so wrong for me.

- Guilt for realizing that I had not learned my lesson. What a late bloomer I am!!!

- Guilt for staying home, for example tonight, and not going out with my friends as was planned.

- Guilt for not seeing my family as often as I should.

- Guilt for putting my foot in my mouth again and again and again because honestly, I must learn that sometimes silence really is bliss AND powerful. (Will I ever learn?) I try to remind myself that there is no need to react hastily and harshly. There are other ways to react when someone upsets me, annoys me, hurts me, lies to me or disappoints me. But then, in the heat of the moment when I forget that I had an epiphany, guilt pays me a long visit. Sometimes, it over stays its visit.

- Guilt for living in Tel-Aviv and not some quiet moshav, growing my own fruits and vegetables and waking up to green landscape.

- Guilt for always wanting more when there are others who have less than me.

- Guilt for procrastinating on the Internet instead of doing something more productive such as, reading a good book, finishing a damn painting for a change, filing the stack of papers I have piled up, running errands, going to a museum, or even doing volunteer work.

 

This list can go on and on. What I can say to you all is that it’s a good thing that sometimes I also manage to turn guilt off. I mean there is only so much guilt I can take.

 

And on that note, I dedicate to you readers a brilliant song by Beck called “Modern Guilt”. Sometimes I dance to it at home. When am out somewhere and I hear it on my Ipod, I can’t help but tap my feet to the beat. I suggest you do the same while singing “da da da da…”

 

 

 

 

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